Home Ec
by Demented Insane Spirit
Summary: The YGO gang are in Home Ec. and get paired to what may be their worst enemies. Not only do they have to cook, they have to be “married” and take care of babies! Oh the horror!
1. Cooking

DIS: (OO) Wow, this is my...Well, I'm not sure, but I know I've been doin' a helluva lot of humor stories this weekend! Anyway, read below and enjoy!

X

Title: Home Ec. 

_Genre: Humor_

_Rating: M_

_Summary: The YGO gang are in Home Ec. and get paired to what may be their worst enemies. Not only do they have to cook, they have to be "married" and take care of babies! Oh the horror!_

_Notes/Warnings: Slight romance; Marik/Anzu; much humor! And innocent Yuugi defiling. And OOCness. Also, this is more or less drabble. It's just going to be a short chaptered fic. (rubs hands together) Hehehe..._

_Disclaimer: I do not own YuGiOh, James Bond, Meow Mix (yummy!), or any other product or person in this fic. But I own these ideas! They're mine, all mine!_

X Chapter One, Cooking 

"I want chicken, I want liver, Meow Mix, Meow Mix, please deliver!" Jou crowed, bumping his hips against Honda's, who was singing along with him.

"Is it just me..." Bakura glanced at the two, disgusted. "Or are they acting more gay than usual?"

"(-.-) They're acting more gay than usual," Malik sighed, rolling his eyes. "Damn morons."

"(o.o) But Meow Mix really is the better cat food, especially for kittens!" Ryou exclaimed.

"Just ignore and pretend you don't know him," Bakura muttered through the corner of his mouth. Marik snickered.

"Remember, that's _your_ abiou, Bakura."

"Shut up, Marik!" Bakura growled, embarrassed.

"Dude," Jou suddenly stopped singing. "Did you see those sexy chicks on Friday?"

"Oh, yeah, man! H – O – T!"

"(oO) How can chickens be sexy?" Yuugi asked quizzically. Yami blinked. "And it was raining on Friday, how were they hot? Unless they're talking about cooked chicken...Are they?" He turned to Yami, confused. His yami just coughed, rubbing his nose.

"Uh, Yuugi..." Yami began, but was knocked over by Ryou, who was shoved by Bakura.

"S-sorry, mate. Bakura, well...I guess I said something to embarrass him." Ryou rubbed the back of his head in confusion. Yami just gasped out, "S'okay!"

"Um, Ryou, I don't think Yami can breathe," Yuugi told him, blinking.

"Oh, right! Sorry, chap." Yuugi helped the taller male up and Yami let out a breath of relief.

"What'd you say?"

"All I said was, 'Meow Mix is actually good for cats. Especially kittens.' Though, those weren't my exact words, I don't think."

"Meow Mix _is_ the better cat food," Yami observed thoughtfully.

(o.o)

"What? I watch the commercials!"

X

"All right, everyone! We'll be put in groups of four. Let's see...Yami, Kaiba, Anzu and Marik, you can be group one. Group two will be...Yuugi, Bakura, Jou and Malik. Group three shall be Kate, Jonathan, Mary, and Betsy. Group four...is...Honda, Mai, Otogi, and Ryou. Group five will be..."

As they all assembled into their kitchens and their groups, reluctant, the teacher passed out the recipe book.

"Today we shall be making cookies. Just because this is our first day in the kitchen, doesn't mean this isn't a grade, so get crackin'!"

"All right, you guys," Anzu clapped her hands jovially. "This will be simple!" She took out the ingredients and looked at them expectantly.

"I'm going to supervise," Marik said at last.

"Actually, no, you're not. You're going to help them make the dough. Now, on to it! I'll preheat the oven."

The three males looked at each other, then looked at the recipe and directions.

"Beat the eggs?" Yami repeated blankly. "I don't get it." He look at the eggs, then shrugged, smashing his fist onto them, splattering egg on Kaiba and Marik. Both of them glared at him. "Um, somehow I have the feeling that isn't how you do it."

"You moron!" Marik snapped, taking out two new eggs and grumbling, took out a bowl. "Crack them in here _without_ shell!"

"Um, right."

"Humph," Kaiba snorted. "I shouldn't have to do this. I could buy out ten or more restaurants!"

"Stop boasting, Kaiba and do the chocolate," Marik growled at him, glaring. Grumbling his complaints, he took the chocolate out and started on it.

"Hey, is it okay if there's a little shell in it?" Yami asked Marik, who just blinked.

"How much is there?"

"Just a bit," Yami replied quietly, staring down at the yellow substance in the bowl. Marik came over and slapped his hand on his forehead.

"That's almost half the damn shell! How have you been crackin' it?"

"Er...Like this?" Yami smashed the egg at the edge of the bowl. Marik let out an indignant shout as yoke splattered on his face. Seething, he wiped it and saw Yami had gotten shell in his eye and was screaming, running in circles.

"Kaiba..." Marik took a deep breath. "Is that chocolate done yet?"

"No," he snapped.

"WHY NOT?"

"I HAVEN'T EXACTLY HAD AN EASY TIME WITH THIS!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

Growling, Kaiba showed him his chocolate stained hands, "It keeps melting on my fingers."

"Forget it, just dump it in this bowl." Marik grunted. Kaiba dumped the chocolate, flour, and sugar in the bowl. After that was done, Marik started to stir hastily.

"It's not getting much thicker," Kaiba told him bluntly.

"Yeah, I know that."

…………………………….

"It still isn't."

"I KNOW, Kaiba!"

X

"All right, weaklings," Bakura sniffed, "start cooking."

"I don't know how, Grandpa cooks for me," Yuugi told him, blinking wide, innocent eyes.

"(-.-) Fine, mutt, you cook." Malik ushered to the blonde.

"Shizuka cooks for me," was all Jou said.

"You idiots don't know how to cook?" Bakura barked out with anger. "Dammit, why didn't Ryou get put in my group? At least, _he _knows how to cook!"

"You two don't know how to cook either," Yuugi pointed out. Jou paled as Bakura arched an eyebrow.

"Do you want to die, little Yuugi?"

"Um, not really, why?"

"Because if you keep mouthing off to me, you're going to be six feet under."

"Why am I going to be six feet under?"

"Because you'll be dead, stupid," Malik responded for Bakura.

"Why?"

"You retard!" Bakura glared at him. "Don't talk unless you have something smart to say."

"But I – "

"Shut up!"

"But – "

"_What part of shut up don't you understand_?"

"Well, all of it, really."

"(o.o) I don't know you. I _really_ don't know you."

"Actually, you do, because in Duelist Kingdom you dueled Yami and then you met me in that way and – "

"He's _embarrassed _by you because you're so stupid," Malik snapped, rubbing his temples in weariness.

"Embarrassed? By _me_? Gee, Bakura, I'm pretty popular, so you don't have to be!"

"Do you want me to hurt you with this frying pan?" Bakura demanded, turning with the black pan in his hand.

"No, I'd prefer for you not to. That'd hurt and it wouldn't be nice, you know." The latter's cheek twitched and he threw the frying pan at Yuugi, knocking him out.

"Hey, man!" Jou exclaimed, his eyes widening. "Yuge, you okay?"

"(-.-) This bores me." Malik muttered.

"Guess we should make a, ah, concoction."

"Too true!" Both males smirked.

X

……………

"It's still not thick." Marik looked at it, frowning. "Let's put it in the blender."

"Hey," Anzu came up to them, beaming. "Looks like you guys are doin' pretty good over here. I'll be right back, I need to use the little girl's room."

"Okay," was all Kaiba and Marik said. Yami was crying over by the sink, rubbing his eyes.

"Yami, stop being a wimp and come over here," Kaiba barked at him.

"But my eyes hurt." Yami whined.

"Stop rubbing them!"

"But they hurt!"

"THAT'S WHAT'S MAKING THEM HURT!" Kaiba roared at him. Marik poured the to-be dough into the blender and plugged it in. Marik pushed high, forgetting to put on the lid.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

"AUGH! TURN IT OFF, MARIK!" Kaiba shouted, trying to protect himself from the goop.

Click.

"Uh...What now?" Marik demanded, wet with the goop as well.

"Let's just save the rest of the shit."

"I guess we could just make one big cookie, huh?"

"Yeah, whatever. I just don't want an F for this class."

"Right," Marik saved what was left of the cookie "dough" and put it on a cookie sheet. "Even though the recipe is supposed to make a dozen." Kaiba merely shrugged as Marik put it in the oven and when Anzu came back, she raised an eyebrow at their appearances.

"Don't ask," Kaiba muttered, trying to wipe it off. Yami was cowering in a corner, covered by the goop, still rubbing his eyes.

PSSSSSHHHHZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

"(OO) What _moron_ mixed vinegar and baking soda!" Kaiba exploded, staring at the huge bubbles flowing over the classroom.

X

"What do you know, this _does_ have an interesting effect," Malik commented, grinning. "And even more so when you put it in a huge pan."

"Awesome, chaos!"

"(oO) Uh, I don't dink we're gonna get a good grade on dis," Jou told them, trying to wake Yuugi up.

"Oh well, it's not like I wanted to come here anyway," Bakura told him shrugging. Malik just nodded his agreement.

X

Anzu sniffed the air and whirled around. "Oh _no_!" She put on the oversized oven mitts and took out the cookie sheet, uncovering the burnt, bad-smelling giant cookie. "Well, nice going."

"What? We didn't do anything!" Marik crossed his arms over his chest.

"We were supposed to make a _dozen_ cookies!" She threw the oven mitts on the messy floor, looking pissed.

"Hmm?" The teacher frowned at the burnt "cookie" on the sheet. "Looks like you're getting an F for this assignment."

"Oh well," Marik shrugged.

"Maybe you'll do better with marriage and parenting part."

(OO) WHAT?

"Can I change groups?" Yami whimpered, coming up to the teacher, looking miserable.

"No. Kaiba and you are going to be partners and Marik and Anzu will be partners. I had thought it was obvious."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

X

DIS: (smirks) Hehehe, pure havoc! This chapter wasn't as good, but the next surely will! I hope you all enjoyed it. Please review and see ya next chap!


	2. Marriage

DIS: I'm back! Yes, it's true, I am back with the second chapter of 'Home Ec'! I sincerely hope that it will be better than the last (grins eagerly). This chapter will surely be more fun, hehehe...It's when they're married! (snickers) Review responses!

Eternal Eyes: (oO) Why didn't you think you would like it? Because it was about food, babies and marriage? (pause) That _is_ a bad combination.

Kinsunegirl4ever: Yep, I got your letter and replied to it as well. I love chattin' with ya on AOL. And I wouldn't let this fic go if it depended on my life. (o.o) Well, maybe for my _life_.

Moon'sHope: (Oo) You don't talk much do you? Lol.

horus the bfd lv999: (X.X) I'm starting to think that you type in some random letters for your penname. And the only reason I have so much time for stories is because I have a very, _very_ dull life. Especially when most of your friends are gone at the four corners of the earth. Actually, that's not true, I just never have contact with them. (sweat drop)

Marin M: Thanks! You're the best.

Tormented Inoccence: I'm guessing this is her friend that reviewed with her pen name. Am I right? Glad you liked it!

Angel: No, she isn't saying that Yami and Kaiba re gay. Most of the time with the Home Ec. thing, they often pair the couples up randomly. Girl-girl, boy-boy, yeah.

Monkeyluv4646: (salutes her) Yes ma'am!

DIS: On to the next chapter, then! Enjoy! (snickers)

X

Chapter Two, Marriage 

"I can't believe this," Marik hissed through tightly clenched teeth. "I don't deserve this torture!"

"(-.-) Gee, Marik, I feel really nice now that you've said that," Anzu grumbled pessimistically.

"Shut up, _wife_."

"Humph!"

"Now," the teacher beamed at them all, "here are the couples for the marriage part of this assignment. For Group One, Yami and Kaiba will be together, as well as Marik and Anzu. Group Two, Jou and Malik and Yuugi and Bakura. Group Three, Kate and Betsy and Jonathan and Mary. For Group Four, Honda and Otogi and Mai and Ryou. Group Five..."

"WHAT? I don't want to be with this goody-goody moron!" Bakura exploded at the end, pointed at Yuugi, who just blinked smiling in confusion. "He'll be raving and ranting about the 'heart of the cards' and how 'friends should stick together always'!"

"Suck it up!" Marik snapped from the other side of the room. "I have to be with Mazaki."

"I'd rather be with her, then this imbecile," Bakura glared at Yuugi, who inched back a little, still smiling – uncertainly, now, however.

"What in the...?" Malik sniffed the air and turned to Jou, who was blushing, discomfited. "_Did you just take a piss?_"

"N-no," Jou lied, flushing with embarrassment.

"YOU DID! YOU SICK MOTHERFU – "

"All right everyone!" The teacher clapped her hands. "The first thing we'll do is shopping. We shall all go to the grocery store. You all get a list and we'll see which couple cooperates best. You have to be careful to only get what's on the list. Okay, let's go!"

Mai nudged Ryou. "Come on hun, this'll be hella easy," she winked at Ryou, who blushed a little, following her, mumbling something. Honda and Otogi, who had noticed the exchange, stared after the two wide-eyed.

"What...?" They looked at each other, then shrugged.

"Don't be trying anything funny, Honda," Otogi warned him. "You know I don't drift that way."

"What way?"

"The _gay _way."

"(o.o) I'm not gay!"

"You don't have to admit it aloud, Honda, it's okay. We can get you help."

"(OO) I'm not gay!" Honda exclaimed more insistently.

"It's all right, Honda, you're different, and that's good. Everyone should be different. If everyone was the same, it would indeed be a dull world." Otogi cooed soothingly.

"(OO'') Otogi, I'm _not _gay!"

"Let's go, Honda, but remember, when we're done, I can get you help. I promise."

"(X.X)..."

X

At the store, we follow Bakura and Yuugi. Yuugi was pushing the cart, beaming. Obviously, he was the woman in marriage.

"So, let's see – " Yuugi heard thumps and saw that Bakura was throwing random things in the cart. "Bakura, those aren't on the list!"

"Who cares, midget?" Tears sprang to Yuugi's eyes and he started _bawling_ in the aisle. Bakura's eyes widened and he turned to Yuugi in surprise. Everyone turned and frowned. "Shut up, little Yuugi!"

"You never care about how I feel, Bakura! You're always insulting my intelligence and my height!"

"(OO) _What_?"

"Yeah!" One of the other customers agreed, frowning. "What's wrong with you? How rude of you!"

"(X.X) Uh..." _Dammit, that stupid midget made a scene..._

X

"Um, is this really supposed to be on the list?" Jou asked uncertainly.

"What?"

"T-tampons."

"(OO) What?" Malik ripped the list out of the other blonde's hands and stared at the list. "It's even a brand! _Tampax Pearl_...What the hell is _that_?"

"It's a type of tampons, obviously," Jou informed him.

"Don't be a smartass, Katsuya."

"But – "

"You know what? You give us blondes a bad name!"

"(OO) What?"

"EXACTLY!"

"Huh?"

X

"I'm bored."

"Mm hmm, it'll only be awhile, Marik." Anzu told him, scanning the list.

"I'm hungry."

"(o.o) I'm sorry to hear that."

"My feet hurt."

"Well..."

"I'm tired."

"Well, I – "

"I'm thirsty."

"LISTEN MARIK," she snapped, turning to him. "I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHETHER YOU'RE BORED, TIRED OR WHAT, OKAY! NOW JUST SHUT UP!"

"(OO) Fine." Marik sniffed, shoving his hands in his pockets. "Ungrateful wench." She sighed, running a hand through her hair.

"God help me." Marik looked at a box of cookies and picked it up, shoving his hand in it, taking out an Oreo and munching on it.

Crunch, crunch, crunch.

"What are you eating?" She turned and her jaw dropped. "WHAT ARE YOU _DOING_?"

"I _told_ you, I'm hungry."

"So, what, you're just going to eat food you haven't _bought_?"

"Essentially, that's what you do when you're hungry. You _eat_, Ms. Anorexic."

"I am not anorexic!" Anzu protested angrily.

"Well – "

"HOW ABOUT THIS?" She took a handful of Oreos and shoved them into his mouth. His eyes bulged and he tried to get her off him. "Hungry, Marik? HUH? HUH!"

(OO)

The other customers inched out of the aisle, staring as Anzu nearly choked Marik with Oreos.

"HOW ABOUT SOME MILK?" She took the carton of milk they had gotten earlier and opened it. Marik's eyes widened as she poured milk over his face.

X

"Have you ever wondered how they get the jelly inside the jelly donuts?" Yami asked Kaiba thoughtfully as he held a balloon and ate his jelly donut. Kaiba twitched.

"No, because I _know_."

"Really? How?"

"They..."

_(What Yami hears...)_

"Buddha uses his powers of alienation and then Santa Clause helps by shrinking the aliens and have them transport jelly into the donut. Then, of course, Santa and Buddha crush the aliens, making them a part of the jelly. Then, the alien lord comes and shrinks Santa and Buddha so that they are crushed and made jelly as well. That's why Santa and Buddha no longer are alive. In all truth, this also explains why Earth's atmosphere is made of jelly, because the alien lord smashed all the gods and made them jelly. So that is how you get jelly into the donut."

_(What Kaiba really said)_

"...use a machine to insert the jelly inside of the donut. The machine's in a factory. And of course, they use normal jelly. I read this on the internet some time earlier." Yami just stared at him in perplexity, his eyes wide with surprise. "You didn't understand a thing I just said, did you?" Silence. Kaiba sighed, moving forward, Yami staring at him through the corner of his eyes while following.

X

"Mai, that's not on the list _either_!" Ryou sputtered as she piled beauty products in the cart.

"It's only a few things, Ryou, calm down!" Ryou stared dubiously at the two carts full of her beauty things.

_And we haven't even started on the list yet!_ Ryou thought in horror, swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat.

X

"I want a divorce," Marik growled, trailing behind Anzu, milk and cookies in his hair on his clothes.

"(-.-) You're not the only one. Why did you have to pour that chocolate syrup on me?"

"Because you're being a bitch today, that's why!" Marik roared with anger.

"Oh, we have to get _Tampax Pearl. _Come on, we're near that part anyway."

"What the hell is it? A book?"

"No, it's a beauty product." Marik snorted.

"Figures, since the retarded teacher is a woman and – THIS IS NO THE BEAUTY PRODUCT AISLE, MAZAKI."

"Yeah, it is." Anzu turned to him, all innocence.

"THE HELL IF IT IS! This is the _women's_ section."

"Well we're getting tampons, duh."

"(OO) Getting..._What?_"

"I can't go in dat aisle!" A Yankee accent shrieked.

"YOU WILL AND I'LL MAKE YOU!" Malik roared, furious. "GO GET THE TAMPONS, DAMMIT!"

"NOOOO!" Jou started to cry. "I want Shizuka...(sniff)"

"Oh, you immature brat!" Malik spat at him and stormed down to where _Tampax Pearl _was and picked it up, throwing it at Jou, who started to cry harder.

"Malik!" Anzu cried, looking shocked. "Stop! Poor Jou, are you okay?"

"No, he's being mean." Jou pointed to Malik, sniffling.

"HELLO EVERYONE!" Yuugi skipped to the tampons he needed and spun around like a ballerina.

"What happened to you?" Malik and Marik both asked. Bakura glared through his black eyes.

"Yuugi...That's what happened. I knew I was going to be punished someday for putting a knife through every Beanie Baby of his collection." Bakura rubbed a bruise on his shoulder and winced. "Damn him." The two blondes looked at each other with raised eyebrows.

"What did he do?"

"Oh, it wasn't him. He started crying when I called him a midget and some rabid fucking shoppers lynched me and started beating me like a damn piñata." Bakura glared at Yuugi as he chatted happily to Jou, Honda, Otogi (who just arrived), and Anzu. "What happened to _you_, Marik?"

"Anzu attacked me with Oreos and milk," Marik grumbled. "She might look sweet, but when she gets pissed, she's a fuckin' _banshee!_"

"Like Isis?" Malik inquired, his eyes widening a bit.

"Almost worse." Bakura snickered.

"Glad that I wasn't the only that suffered. What about you, Malik?"

"Katsuya's too stupid and pathetic to try anything. He gives us blondes a bad name." The other two nodded in agreement. "He _is_ hella annoying, though."

"Hey everyone!" Mai chirped, pushing three carts with Ryou pushing two other ones. "We're done!"

(OO)

"Yami, there you are!" Yuugi beamed at his yami, who was smeared with jelly from his donut and was still glancing suspiciously at Kaiba, who was twitching irately. "Where'd you get the balloon?"

"The lady from the bakery gave it to me," Yami announced proudly. "Kaiba didn't get one, cos he's too stuck up."

"Ohhh. Cool! I wanna...(poke) touch it." At that, Yuugi proceeded to happily poke Yami's balloon.

"(-.-) Like abiou, like yami," Bakura muttered. "Though that doesn't go for us. After all, my abiou's weak as hell."

"I'm sexier than Malik," Marik said, shrugging.

"The hell if you are!"

"Why do you think Anzu was groping me today?"

(OO)

Everyone went silent and stared at Anzu and Marik.

"(OO) WHAT LIES ARE YOU MAKING UP, MARIK?" Anzu bleated in horror.

"You _were_ when you were on top of me, shoving cookies in my mouth. Which reminds me, when I passed out, you started to French me."

"The hell if I did! You weren't breathing so I had to give you mouth-to-mouth!"

"That wouldn't have happened if you hadn't shoved Oreos in my mouth and drowned me with milk!"

"WELL YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE ACTED LIKE A PRICK!"

"THAT'S IT! I WANT TO GET A DIVORCE! NOW!"

"FINE, I'LL LEND YOU MY LAWYER!"

"GOOD!"

"GOOD!"

The others sighed

"All right everyone – " The teacher began, walking up to them. "Goodness! What _happened _to you all?"

"This is what marriage does to teenagers," Kaiba muttered irritably.

(oO)

X

DIS: There! That's the end of the second chapter! And of course, I have two more chapters, since this is just a shorty. Please leave a review on your way out. Ciao!


	3. Parenting Skills

DIS: Well, I've returned from my...(glances around nervously) writer's block. Well, no, that's a complete, utter lie. I had ideas, I had the potential, but I was working on a book and then I was working on editing the damn thing. And since it's ninety-something pages, I'm still trying to, but I really thought it imperative that I updated. (nods) So, anyway, review responses!

Atemu's Lover: (gives her decaf coffee) Calm down!

Cerulean San: I thought that part funny, too, hehehe.

Rosepedal: Meh, I think Marik's the sexier one out of the two, but then again that's just me...(glances at mob of fan girls) And them.

Kistsuneirl4ever: (stomach growls) Now _I_ want a cookie!

Monkeyluv4646: (holds out balloon and she pokes it) There ya go! And I love that saying, monkey see, monkey do! I haven't used it much, not until your review, that is, lol!

Marin M: I love kids! Even when they're annoying. But the only reason for that is, if they annoy me, I say, "Do you want me to come, sneak into your house and suck all the blood of you? Because I can, and you _know_ that!" (X.X) Most of them, when they see me say, "Wow, mommy, it's a real vampire!" so...my threat is quite effective, heh, heh.

Chained and Torchered: Couldn't stop bragging? (oO) Bragging about what?

Angel: Thanks!

Bishounen Lover: Lol, yeah. Whenever the subject of sex or tampons or _anything_ along the reproductive system comes up, my step-dad always says, "Stop! Take that conversation out of here!" Hehehe, it's hilarious.

DangerousandDemonicDevil: (oO'') You wanna laugh more? (T.T) Surely there are other fics out there to make you laugh!

Shadowstalker666: (o.o) Calm down, girl, I'm updating right now. Talk about saying 'oh my god' a million times, lol.

Fox-Chan: Seto can be so amusing (hugs Seto plushie) .

MyOhMai: Of course I'd review your fic! I review practically any of my reviewers fics. (Oo) Most of them are much better than my own writing, like yours for an example. But yeah, thanks for reviewing!

And now, to the chapter! Hehehe, this is probably one of my favorites. By the way, this _is_ the last chapter to my short little fic. So, enjoy!

X

Chapter Three, Parenting Skills 

"Everyone," the teacher spoke, "thanks to our...incident...in the store, we're moving right along to parenting skills. Now, up here are mechanical babies. They might look like actually ones, but they _are_ machines. Each cries when it is hungry, needs a diaper changed, or if the doll feels "pain". Now, you must treat this baby like it is your own. You and your partner will choose whether to stay in either of your houses. You, of course, will need to sleep with each other like married couples and such things. Now, come up here and I'll give you the babies."

"Oh, Ra, this is going to suck ass," Malik muttered, running a hand through his hair.

"You're telling me," Bakura muttered, glancing over at Yuugi. "I'm stuck with Twiddle-Dee over here."

"Yeah? Well, I'm forced to be with Twiddle-DUMB." Bakura smirked.

"Don't get too passionate at night, _sweetheart_," Bakura sneered tauntingly.

"Fuck you, Bakura!" Marik trudged over to them, muttering darkly under his breath. Malik smirked at his yami, who was sending murderous looks at the innocent teacher.

"She's out to get me," he told the two. "That damn teacher is doing all of this just to torture me, you know that?"

"So, what did you have for breakfast?" Bakura asked. "A little bit of ego?" Marik stared at him, then fumed, slapping him across the head. "What the hell was that for? I was just asking a question!"

"Someone's a little sensitive about their breakfast," Malik said, smirking.

"You idiots! That's not what I'm pissed about! I don't want to have to raise that ugly wanna-be human," he pointed angrily at the mechanical baby that Anzu had got. "And if I say anything wrong, Mazaki will probably shove fuckin' cookies down my throat..."

"Well, it's not as though you don't need help eating."

"Are you trying to piss me off, Malik?" The latter smiled at him.

"A little."

"(-.-) You little – "

"All right, everyone, remember to get your baby and after spring break I'll do an evaluation. Inside each baby is a computer chip. It counts each time it cries and whether it's been neglected or "hurt". Okay? Class dismissed."

X

"This is going to be so exciting!" Mai told Ryou, hugging the baby close to her. "It's so romantic, don't you think?"

_(oO) Romantic...?_

"I mean, that _we_ have to take care of a baby together," she giggled, nudging Ryou, who laughed nervously.

"Uh...yeah." _This is going to be horrible._

"This is going to be great!" She chirped, going to her math class.

_God save me..._Ryou thought imploringly.

As for Honda and Otogi, the ebony (black) haired male was giving Honda weird looks. The brunette was rocking the baby back and forth and singing to him 'All the pretty little horses'.

"Hush a bye, don't you cry, go to sleepy little baby. When you wake, you shall have, all the pretty little horses," Honda sang softly to the baby. Otogi swallowed nervously, thinking that the male was going nuts.

I knew I should have gotten him help, Otogi thought ruefully, but noo, I listened to him when he said he wasn't homosexual. Damn! I wonder what Shizuka's going to say about this? I know that I wouldn't want a boyfriend who probably likes her brother more than a friend. And I know I wouldn't want a boyfriend who sings to mechanical babies...Otogi shuddered at this thought and inched farther away from, pretending not to know Honda after the male gave the baby a big kiss on the forehead. 

"Hey, Otogi!" Honda called suddenly and grinned dopily at him, not noticing the disgusted stares. Otogi winced. "Where are you going? Ha, ha, you're acting like you don't know me!"

"Oh God," Otogi muttered, more than embarrassed, "just kill me now."

X

"You hold the baby," Malik told Jou, shoving the baby at him.

"Babies don't like me! You hold it!"

"And what, ruin my reputation? Hell no! You hold it, blondie!"

"You're blonde too!"

"Yeah? But I don't act like one, do I?"

"What's dat supposed to mean? You tryin' to start someding, Malik?" Jou asked, holding onto the baby for awhile to argue with Malik.

"No, I'm just trying to say that you gave us blondes a bad name, therefore, you're the stupid one and the rest of us blondes aren't," Malik told him, crossing his arms over his chest after he had spoken.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Well, hey, man, at least I don't sneak out on school nights to get funky wit Bakura." Malik's jaw dropped at the insult.

Holy shit, where did that come from? I thought he was stupid! 

"Eh, speechless?" Jou asked, smirking proudly, then put the baby in Malik's arm and sauntered off. Malik blinked, then looked down at the machine.

"Damn you to hell, Jounouchi Katsuya!" He roared, storming after him.

X

"I refuse to sleep with you and I refuse to touch that baby!" Kaiba pointed at the baby that was on the air conditioner and was already crying.

"B-but Kaiba, I don't want to change its diaper!" Yami sputtered out.

"You're going to do it, because I won't and he's your responsibility," Kaiba snapped at him.

"I don't know how to change diapers, though. I don't even know how to hold a baby properly!"

"Do it, Yami, or face the wrath of my rage."

"I already have faced the wrath of your rage," the Pharaoh pointed out wisely. A vein in Kaiba's forehead twitched and he growled.

"JUST DO IT ALL READY!" Yami winced and turned to the baby and took the supply bag the teacher had given them and took out a diaper. He eyed it, then took off the dirty diaper – which, surprisingly, actually had something in it! – and wrapped the clean diaper around the baby. Kaiba moved forward and the two males peered at the Pharaoh's handiwork. "This doesn't look quite right..."

"I think I did it wrong."

"I _know_ you did it wrong. It's supposed to be on its ass, not his head, you idiot!"

"I _told_ you I didn't know how to do it," he whined.

"Oh, for God sakes." Kaiba took the diaper off the baby's head and put it around his waist. The two looked at it again. "This doesn't look right, either."

"Isn't there an instruction manual?" Kaiba dug through the baby bag and turned back to Yami, silent. "Well?"

"No."

"So, er, how are we going to do all of this?"

"..."

"Kaiba?" He prodded.

"I don't know."

"(X.X) Great..." And then the two went back to staring at the wiggling baby.

X

"I hate kids," Marik informed Anzu. "They should all be put into a boiling pot of lava."

(oO)

"Marik, you were a baby at one...Er, well, _Malik_ was a kid at one point and he made you when he was kid!"

"So?"

"So if all kids were killed, what would happen to life on Earth?"

"...It'd die."

"And that would be...?"

"Good." She whapped him over the head.

"No, you idiot! It would be bad! BAD! As in, B-A-D!"

"Don't spell in front of me, dammit!"

"(T.T)...Listen, all I'm saying is that if we didn't have children, life would die and the Earth would die and God would be very disappointed in us."

"Are you one of those Christian Groups I always throw eggs and water balloons at?" Marik asked abruptly, eyeing her warily.

"That was you?" She demanded, glaring.

"...No," he lied hastily.

"You bastard!" She started whapping him on the head multiple times.

"Ow, ow, OW dammit!" He caught her wrists and pinched her.

"You pansy!"

"_You're _the pansy, pansy!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"...bitch."

"Man-slut."

"Whore."

"Bastard."

"C – "

"Are you two _quite_ done yet?" They both looked up to see the teacher and the whole glass staring at them. Anzu sunk in her seat, holding the baby to her chest, blushing in embarrassment.

"Yes..." she muttered. Marik opened his mouth, but she kicked him in the shins. His eyes widened and he slammed his head against the desk, clutching onto his shin, choking on his own breath in pain.

"Good," the teacher said, eyeing Marik suspiciously. "Is he always so emotional?"

"Yeah," Anzu sighed, slapping Marik on the back "gently". "The poor thing's always so emotional about things."

_You little bitch..._Marik thought, biting his lips as his nails dug into his skin in pain.

The teacher went _tsk, tsk_ and turned back to the board.

X

"I hate you," Bakura informed Yuugi, who was cradling the baby against him.

"You're so mean to me, Bakura! It's all because I'm different! Because I'm different, you think it's right to insult me! But you know what? I'm _proud_ of who I am! God made me who I am and I accept that! Everyone' s different, Bakura, even twins are!"

(oO) What the hell is his problem? Three words and he jumps to a huge fucking conclusion. And I thought Mazaki ranted about friendship...This pipsqueak rants about how we're "different" and how "God made us who we are". Pff, yeah right.

"...but I still love you, Bakura, because you're you and that's an important quality..."

_(OO) He did NOT just say he loved me, did he? _Bakura glanced at Yuugi's bright, compassionate face. _Oh hell, he did. I need to make an escape. Ah ha! The window! _

"Hold that thought," Bakura told Yuugi and ran towards the window and flung himself out. "I'M FREE – OOF!" Yuugi stared at Bakura, who had forgotten they were on the first floor, and was laying in the dirt.

"I don't know about you, but that seemed like a pretty unintelligent act."

"What's it to you?" Bakura muttered, tasting dirt in his mouth. Yuugi merely shrugged.

"Just telling you my opinion."

"Well don't."

"Okay, if you say so."

X

"Malik, I dink the baby's crying..." Jou said once they were at the Ishtar home. Malik just stared down at the kid without a word. "Malik, do ya hear me, man?"

"Yes I hear you, you buffoon!" Malik snapped back at him. "Well, what the hell is wrong with the stupid thing!"

"Um...I dink that it might be sad."

"Oh, gee, I wonder why that is?"

"Um...I dunno, why?" Jou asked stupidly. Malik's eyebrow twitched and he took a deep breath, counting to ten.

"I think it's because you're such...a...MORON!" Malik slapped the baby to make it shut up.

"(OO) You aren't supposed ta do dat!"

"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!"

"Well...Da baby does..."

"(-.-) Why would I care, Katsuya? Tell me, why would I care about a mechanical baby?"

"Um...cos it depends on our grade?"

"SO?"

"...Don't ya care about dat?"

"WHEN DID I EVER?"

"(o.o) Uh...I don't remember."

Malik slapped his forehead, muttering, "Why me?"

"I dunno, why?"

"(X.X) Don't talk to me."

X

"There are some rules you have to follow, Yami," Kaiba told him as a servant shut his doors.

"Okay," Yami said, holding the baby, whose diaper was finally put on correctly by a teacher.

"Don't touch anything, don't talk to anyone or anything, don't eat or drink anything, and ask me before doing anything, got it?"

"(o.o) Gee...Um, yes."

"Good, now let's go."

"Can I take a step?" Yami asked.

"Yes."

Yami took a step, then asked, "Can I take another step." Kaiba blinked.

"Yes." Yami took another step, then opened his mouth to asked if he could take another, but Kaiba interrupted him. "Yami, you can walk and talk and do everything that normal human beings do without asking."

"Oh...So, where's your bedroom?" Kaiba's shoulder twitched.

_How could I forget?_ "We'll deal with those details later..."

X

Otogi opened the door and Honda followed him inside, nuzzling the bear. Otogi was keeping as far away from Honda, just in case. The sad thing was, he knew that he'd have to sleep with him and frankly, Otogi was afraid of being groped in his sleep by him.

"Wow, nice place, Otogi!" Honda said with a dopey grin. "Should we go buy some toys for Honda Jr.?"

"(oO) ...What?"

"Hm?"

"Who's Honda Jr.?"

"Why, our kid, of course!" Honda kissed Honda Jr. on the forehead with a grin. "Isn't he just adorable, Otogi?"

"(X.X) It's a machine!" Honda gasped and put his hands over the baby's ears.

"Don't listen to him!"

"(-.-)..."

X

"This is a very...nice house, Mai," Ryou remarked, staring at the purple walls, purple couch's and...Well, purple everything. Mai giggled, swatting his shoulder.

"Aw, Ryou, you're too sweet! Now, I have some extra man clothes and..." she gave him a sly look and Ryou sweat dropped. "...things."

"(O.O) Um..." _Oh dear Ra, as Bakura would say._

X

_Oh dear Ra_, Bakura thought, staring at the room of Yuugi's. _Why couldn't we have stayed at Ryou's house? I've just been introduced to my worse nightmare...Second worse. My first worse is when Mai and Isis were trying to get me to watch PBS. Ugh!_

"I guess the baby can sleep in Yami's bed," Yuugi told Bakura. "Is that okay with you?"

"Whatever." _I'll never sleep right after this..._

"You know, I feel bad for Yami since he has to stay with his enemy," Yuugi told Bakura conversationally.

"Hm." _I feel bad for myself...And Marik and Malik. Well, not so much for Marik. He'll probably have a kid of his own nine months from now...But Malik has to stay with stupid._

"I wonder if the teacher knew that we knew each other?"

"Mm..." _Probably, the bitch. She must have anticipated this and wanted us at each other's throats._

X

A man paused and stared at the two men. Malik was wearing a shirt that said, 'I'm with stupid' and pointed to the right at Jou and Jou was wearing a shirt that said, 'I'm with stupid' that pointed up to himself.

_Kids are getting more retarded each day..._The man thought to himself. "Hmm," he stared at a map that had an arrow that said 'YOU ARE HERE' and another arrow that said 'YOU ARE NOT HERE'. _Ah, I must be here_! He thought, pointing to the 'YOU ARE NOT HERE' arrow.

_And he thinks WE'RE stupid_, Malik thought with a glare.

X

"Where's your parents?" Marik asked, glancing around.

"Not here."

"Where's your parents?"

"What are you, deaf? They're not here."

"I know, but where are they?"

"Hawaii, I dunno."

"...When did you learn Indian?"

"(-.-) You're so dumb, Marik. Oh yeah, I need to go check on something." She handed the baby to Marik and went out to the patio. Marik followed her and blinked. "Dang, I give up! I'm just no good with plants!" She sulked.

_(oO) And those were plastic ones..._Marik thought to himself in bemusement.

(Later)

SLORRREERRRRK-K-K-K

Anzu's eyebrow twitched.

SLOR-SLOR-SLOR-

"ALRIGHT! I DO BELIEVE YOU HAVE HIT BOTTOM!" Anzu snapped loudly. Marik stared at her, then dropped his cup in awe.

(O.O'')

Silence ensued as they stared at the TV. Marik picked the cup back up and shifted the straw thoughtfully, before sipping on it, then beamed as some pop came up.

SLORRERKK

_Aw, shit..._Marik thought as Anzu picked up a candle and threw it at him...

CONK.

"(OO) Wow, Marik, that sounded hollow!"

"(X.X) Did it...? I was too much in pain to notice!"

_(oO) Or maybe that was the candle...?_

X

"Ahh," Honda snuggled against Otogi and the ebony haired male cried in his mind.

_I'll never be the same_! He thought.

X

Kaiba eased into the bed, as though afraid to. Yami was in the bathroom, doing Ra-knows-what and this CEO was feeling rather uncomfortable. Yami exited the bathroom, yawning. He turned the light off and entered the bed as well.

Silence.

_(o.o) This is very uncomfortable..._Yami thought to himself. _Maybe I should strike up a conversation? Nah. Oh, I know! Yami cuddled against Kaiba. That should warm him up!_

_I think I'm going to die..._Kaiba thought to himself, his whole body stiff as wood. "What the hell are you doing?"

"(o.o) Warming you up?"

"The blankets warm me enough, thank you very much."

"No, I meant other than that."

"(OO) Yami, I don't drift that way!"

"(X.X) No, you just seemed uncomfortable!"

"I am uncomfortable! You're in my bed, for Ra sakes!"

"...Did you say Ra?"

"What...? Er, no."

"You did! You said Ra! Us Egyptians are rubbing off on you."

"Go to sleep, Yami!"

"Hahaha, you said Ra, you said Ra," Yami chanted in a sing-song voice.

"I said, go to sleep! Hell, the baby is better than you!"

(Later)

Kaiba twitched, sitting in bed with the baby, which was crying. _I should have kept my mouth shut._

X

_(o.o) I've heard strange things at night, but this..._

Wha - ! HOOP! YAAAAH! YIPE! YIPE! YIPE! YIPE! WOOOOAAAHHH! CRASH!

...This beats it all, Jou thought to himself, staring up at the ceiling. Minutes later, Malik came back into the room, shoving a binkie in the baby's mouth.

"You fucking selfish piece of..." Jou simply stared at the ceiling as Malik climbed back in the bed and turned his back on him.

_...This beats it all._

X

"...And this is Mr. Kitten, this is Mr. Bear, this is Mr. Frost, this is Mr. Gilligan and this is Mr. VD."

"VD?" Bakura repeated, staring at all the stuffed animals on Yuugi's bed. _How does he sleep on that?_

"Yup. It stands for Venereal Disease. Yami thought it was a good name."

_Oh, you sly Pharaoh, you_, Bakura thought in amusement.

"All right, it's time for bed!"

"...Right..."

BOOF.

Yuugi had bounced down on the bed and the stuffed animals had flung outward, knocking Bakura over.

"Bakura? Where are you?"

_Aw, hell, this is so fucking stupid...What the...? _

YAUUGHH!

"(o.o) Oh, he must have seen Mr. Black Widow (spider)."

X

_I am feeling very uncomfortable_...Ryou thought, with Mai pressed against him. _Very..._

X

"The baby's crying," Anzu remarked, staring at the clock, yawning.

"Yeah?"

"Go take care of it." Marik glanced at the floor in the basket the baby was in. "As in now."

"Right." Marik stood up and grabbed the baby.

SMASH! CRUNCH! BAM! SLAM!

"(OO) MARIK!" Anzu shrieked, jumping up. Marik dropped what was left of the baby and they stared down at it.

"...Well, you said to take care of it," he told her bitterly.

"(o.o) All right...All right, we can fix this..." She paused. "But let's do it later and enjoy the weekend.

X

(Monday Morning)

"Welcome back, class! Now, please bring your babies up to the front!" The teacher smiled at everyone, that is...Until Anzu and Marik came up. "(OO) What happened?" The two had wrapped tape around the baby and it looked rather deformed.

"...What do you mean? It looks the same!" Marik told her.

"(o.o)..." the teacher could only stare at the tattered pieces of the baby.

"(-.-) It was him," Anzu pointed at Marik. He just gave an innocent look. The teacher groaned, slapping her hand to her face.

_Oh for the love of God...I knew I shouldn't have taken this job_. She sighed_. I need a cigarette._

FIN!

X

DIS: Okay, it didn't actually come out as Marik/Anzu...But I was going to make it be Marik/Anzu. Anyway, this is the last chapter. Please review and I hope you guys enjoyed it! Ciao!


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